I expected better of you

RozziDoodles has made the critical mistake of tagging me... Oops... SARC BOMB INBOUND

Okay so this one I prized from the cold dead hands of Nenja-Black but I'm just writing out the questions cuz I don't have time to draw stuff  and I have all the drawing ability of a quadruple amputee with turrets strapped to an industrial jackhammer but I promise I'll make it at the very best mediocre without the drawings!

Okay so 
Nenja's Crack Pairing Meme
Write down the names of 12 people you can tolerate  in a random order. They can be from any show/movie/book/impending alien invasion/etc you want, hey, they don't even need to be in the same show.
(I used my brain to decide the order and f**k you if you think that ain't random)
1. RozziDoodles 
2. A particularly odd looking potato
3. David Cameron (British Prime Minister)
4. Osama Bin Laden
5. The former Yugoslavian Republic of Macedonia 
6. Nick Clegg (British Prime Minister's tea ladyboy)
7. Russian President Vladimir Putin
8. Barrack Obama
9. Hitler
10. DELT-4
11. British Tactical Armed Forces
12. Whisky
Are you done yet? Okay, let's get this started...

1) What song would describe 1 and 5's relationship best?
Mutually destructive. Legend has it 1 once actually sent someone around to 5's house with a machete and a bodybag. Luckily it was only to chop up and steal all the fruit in their fruit bowl, but 5 never forgave them and now holds 1 as it's arch nemesis.

2) 11 and 4 are playing together in a movie. What movie?
"Let me acquaint those brains with that wall"

3) 2 and 9 are a couple. How did they end up together?
An excerpt from: "50 shades of spud: 50 shades Fuhrer"
He gazed at his lover, his eyes breezing over her soft body, admiring the jacket she had chosen for just this occasion. It had a tear directly down the center exposing her soft cream goods, which ultimately his eyes were drawn to, and he shuddered. His mouth opened in amazement, saliva glistening on his teeth. He needed her, and badly.
"Mein Kartoffel..."
And the rest is history
I just checked the "write a HitlerxPotato fanfiction" item on my 'Things to do' list. I have a weird 'to do' list

4) Both 8 and 12 are fighting over 4. Who does 4 end up with?
Probably 11, but he doesn't mind, either one involves a shot.

5) Where did 3 take 6 on their first date?
The house of commons. Nick thourght it was so cool! He got to sit at the important bench whilst Dave worked. He wasn't allowed to say anything but it was still an awesome first date!

6) 1 and 6 break up. Why?
Accents.

7) What was 7 and 8's first kiss like?
... I'll just let this one write itself guys.
They have a very nuclear relationship and the kiss was explosive

8) What about 9 and 10's first night together?
I do believe 10 and 9 sympathized with each other, because everyone thinks 10 is Dutch and 9 is German, when 10 is actually Flemish and 9 is actually Austrian.

9) Threesome! 2, 3, and 8!
Not really sure what to put here since there's no direct question. Am I supposed to describe what it looks like? The reasoning behind it?
8 does not like 2. 2 Loves 3. 3 is a potato, but 8's head looks kinda like a potato, so by extension 2 kinda likes 8, but only as a sex object and nothing else, because it's abusive to his real desire, 2.

10) By accident 11 has gotten pregnant. Who is the father?
Excessive power and tactical decision making has birthed a baby made of raw military strength and agility.

11) 5 proposes to 12, what's the answer?
Probably some intagleable screaming in Scottish, before it pissed itself, fell over and broke it's thumbs.

12) So, finally 7 and 10 are getting married. Who wears the dress?
they share a dress; 7 wears the top half, 10 wears the bottom half. It's pink and frolliky.

13) And does anyone have anything to say against this?
The UN would probably have something to say. They won't say it because they might be hacked, stabbed with a radioactive umbrella, drink radioactive tea, or be shot crossing a particular bridge in st petersburg. But hey, they were made for each other.

14) And that's it! Any last words before the crack gets to your brain?
Roz, please read the terms and conditions before tagging me.